October 11, 2005
October 10, 2005
Proposed Squid Death!
I felt pretty confident that I had the squid problem solved with my python idea. However, ever-vigilant & patriotic land-lubber Brad has brought to my attention a curious detail he noticed in this article about the Southern California otter ban:
Capturing an otter that strayed out of bounds was a daunting task. Divers wearing specialized equipment would sneak up on an otter while it was asleep.
Armed with this new information, Brad writes: "I think we need to get ahold of this 'specialized equipment' and attack the giant squids while they sleep. Cephalopods be gone!"
While I appreciate the fervor of Brad's squid-hate, his idea is crazy. To wit: otters are adorable creatures who give out magical hugs - they want to be snuck up on by people. Squid, on the other hand, are pure raging evil. Everybody knows that squid don't sleep, and that they've got eyes all around their squishy heads. You could try to sneak up on it, and then, just when you thought you had it, you'd discover that its eyes weren't really closed at all, but that it was peering at you through the slits of its eyelids like some kid cheating at a classroom game of seven-up, and then it'd pull some tentacle-fu and stuff you into its hungry gaping maw. And it'd probably laugh while it did it.
Now, if we could further specialize this equipment to a.) shoot torpedos and/or lazers and b.) fit pythons, then we might be getting somewhere.
October 05, 2005
Squid Problem: Solved.
Now, a 13-foot python won't be able to take on a giant squid by itself, but you get a couple of 'em - like, maybe one for each tentacle and one for the head - and you've got yourself a fight. Or maybe we'll need to somehow breed larger pythons, or cross-breed them with anacondas like the one that ate Jon Voight in that snake documentary from a couple of years back. (I think it was called Anaconda.)
Of course, then we'll have to figure out how to get rid of the snakes. Because, let's face it, if that thing can eat a six-foot alligator (or Jon Voight), I'm little more than a meal on legs.
September 28, 2005
Please, don't anger the squid.
They estimate the squid to be 26 feet in length; the largest on record is 59 feet in length. That's ten times as tall as me, with twice as many appendages. Toe to toe (sucker?), that giant squid is sure to kick my ass in a fight.
So what do they do while photographing this aquatic monster? THEY TEAR ONE OF ITS TENTACLES OFF. If I can briefly call your attention to the fact that the total cephalopod biomass now exceeds that of humans (check the bottom of the first page), I think one thing is clear: We do not want angry cephalopods.
If these things learn to walk and breathe out of the water and/or talk to dolphins, we're screwed.
Update:This Grady Hendrix fellow seems to know exactly what I'm talking about, and Slate points out that in addition to giant squid, there's an even more terrifying Colossal Squid, with "a larger beak than the giant squid and hooks on its tentacles." Humans? Doomed.
August 29, 2005
Leave it to WorldNetDaily ...
I like the fact that WorldNetDaily is still stuck on Kerry, almost a full year after the election. A funeral for Hunter S. Thompson, and they pick up the important details - Kerry and blow-up sex dolls.
Thanks to Matt for the heads-up.
August 13, 2005
God loves mimes and kittens
DROP EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING and check out K&K Mime. And for the love of God (quite literally, apparently), don't skip the flash intro.
Moving on - I've entered my cat, Agamemnon Bob, into KittenWar. He's batting
1 for 1 1 for 2 right now, and needs your support: